It’s a strange time to be dating.
Stages of talking that never progress, mindless swiping, a requisite game of First One To Develop Feels Loses… you’d be forgiven for deleting all your apps, relocating to a remote commune and declaring celibacy.
What concerns me most about this connection-deficit zeitgeist we’ve found ourselves in is the impact it is having on the way we have sex.
There’s no denying the ubiquity of porn, cultural stigma, and the chasms left behind by sex education have roles to play in why so few of us understand how to navigate intimacy. But I think there’s a case to be made, too, for the influence of modern dating culture.
The normalization of behaviors like “ghosting” and “breadcrumbing” – packaged into kitsch buzzwords that trivialize a kind of narcissistic approach to relationships – has diluted our experience of connection; not just relationally, but sexually.
Interestingly though, while we’re adept at spotting these so-called “red flags” in dating, we rarely recognize the ways they spill over into the bedroom. And when they do, these practices create a disconnect; ultimately treating sex as a transactional exercise rather than an opportunity to explore and enjoy mutual pleasure.
Here are a few of the worst offenders…
Skipping
This is when a partner approaches sex like a Netflix series they aren’t particularly invested in, and just wants to skip to the highlights of.
Skippers routinely fast-forward or ignore foreplay altogether and advance straight to penetration, with no consideration for the role of lubrication or arousal. Consequently, sex with a skipper becomes goal-oriented and largely one-sided.
Skipping is usually practiced by men, given foreplay tends to be more critical to achieving orgasm for women, and research shows women climax just 65 percent of the time during (heterosexual) sex, while men get off 95 percent of the time.
And while there’s nothing wrong with having a quickie, it should always be a mutually agreed-upon affair and something that happens when both parties are already fully aroused. Skippers, however, aren’t interested in give-and-take or checking in with you. It’s all about their orgasm.
Selling
Sellers will try to sell you on the idea of having sex without a condom after you’ve already insisted on using one. They usually argue they “can’t feel anything” with protection on, and “need” to remove it so they can reach climax.
They have no regard for your body autonomy or sexual health, nor concern for putting you at increased risk of STIs and pregnancy. In essence, they view you merely as a conduit for their orgasm, so expect disappointing sex ahead if you proceed.
Pump-and-dumping
While it’s normal for a partner to not always stay after sex, particularly when it’s casual, someone who practices pump-and-dumping will flee the scene the literal moment sex finishes (or call you an Uber, so you know it’s time to go), leaving you feeling like their personal masturbatory sleeve.
A good partner – even a casual one – will check in after sex to see how you’re feeling, ensure you’re comfortable, and may also stay to converse for a while, so as not to leave you feeling like an unpaid sex worker.
Someone who is already reaching for their pants moments after rolling off you does not view you as a sexual equal, but rather, a discardable object.
Kinging it
In a now famously resurfaced interview from 2015, DJ Khaled controversially revealed he doesn’t perform oral sex on his wife because there are “different rules for men,” going on to state he believes, “a woman should praise the man – the king”.
“Kinging it” is to adopt this same sexist ideology and expect a partner to perform oral with absolutely no intention or interest whatsoever in returning the favor.
Men who king it are deeply selfish, usually not very good in bed due to their complete lack of understanding of what reciprocal pleasure looks like, view oral sex as an entitlement, and don’t care about your orgasm. (They also almost certainly have no idea where the clitoris is.)
If the guy you’re having sex with pulls this move, quickly put your clothes back on, reach for your false eyelashes, and – as modern dating lingo would call it – ghost him.
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